The managerial candidates in ascending order of preference:
6. Joe McEwing—Sorry, but no. Loved your 2.0ing of Hurricane Hudler but minor-league instructionalism, that’s more you, Joe Mac.
5. Ryne Sandberg—I hate when athletes I liked as a kid get fat, does that count as animus? Tony Gwynn, Don Mattingly, Ryne Sandberg, and those are just the obvious ones. BMI aside, Sandberg is a lifelong Cub—as rational men don’t we have to doubt him?
4. Chris Maloney—Promoting the AAA manager just seems lazy and overmethodical. And when have the Cardinals ever been either of those things? Also for Chris personally it’s either this or go back to work with Mariska Hargitay, soooo motivation’s clearly an issue.
3. Terry Francona—He’s got MLB experience! He also won history’s only simulated World Series! Thanks for that Terry, but how will you cope under the microscopic glasses of all the St. Louis old people? Unfortunately, despite his ostensibly casual interview, Francona is probably the Mitt Romney of this race.
2. Jose Oquendo—The Secret Weapon can be our opaqued Ozzie Guillen if we’ll let him. Is Albert more likely to stay in this event, everyone keeps asking themselves/their drinking partner, like that isn’t a totally gratuitous qualifier. Seriously though a Latino hire would be in the great progressive tradition of this organization.
1. Mike Matheny—No experience is becoming acceptable criteria in this increasingly atomized world. I say that faithfully as a person with little to no experience doing anything notable. Matheny’s got Duncan’s confidence, he’s a “catcher”, and really what do we care if it ends up a failed experiment? We are the FUCKING CHAMPS. The Cardinals have had Herzog, Torre and LaRussa consecutively, a brain trust that was never exactly new-guardy. An anonymity as manager would make the title defense that much more seasonable. I say see what he can do.
